Category: MC
Sick days and vacation days
Not too long ago, I was tired.
Feeling burned out by the pressure and stress of all the stuff I’d let creep on to my plate, all I could think about was how nice it would be to get away for a few days.
I was sure that a vacation would give me the perspective and the energy boost that I needed. The only problem was, there was no vacation on the horizon. Vacation wasn’t even in the vocabulary.
Do you ever find yourself there? Just kinda stewing in stressful circumstances? Wondering where the relief valve is? Looking forward to the next time you can steal a few moments alone or with your spouse to check out from the normal routine?
Just as that stress in my life was really starting to ache, something interesting happened. A virus tore through our house.
MC spent four days running around nursing the rest of us back to health and then, just as we were getting everything ready to for the kids to go back to school and for me to go back to the office, she said, “I don’t feel very well.” The virus knocked her down.
While she got better, I ran the show. Meals, school dropoff, play time with the two year old, after school activities, caring for MC…you name it. Until MC recovered from the virus, our house was mine to run alone.
It was busy. It was tiring. It was stressful.
When MC was back on her feet and everyone was headed back where they were supposed to be – me to the office, the kids to school – I noticed something. I didn’t feel that deep longing to get away anymore.
I think all I really needed was to move deeper in the place I was already standing.
Taking even just a day and doing something outside of my routine helped me see the rhythm of a day through different eyes. It helped me see my kids through different eyes. And it sure as heck helped me see my wife (and all that she does) through different eyes.
Moving deeper where we are – in addition to getting away on a vacation or retreat – can refresh us and renew our sense of purpose right where we are.
How are the circumstances in your life right now? Things good? Or could you use a few days to get away and recharge the batteries?
Saturday notes
Saturday is a good day to share some stuff about what’s been going on in our family life during the week, or in general.
The boy has a basketball game this morning. Early in the season, we struggled to get him engaged in the game. He’s so used to playing nicely with his sisters, asking for things, sharing, etc. that the idea of trying to snatch a ball from someone was a little new. Then he got the ball snatched from him a few times. Last week, less than a minute into the game, he got called for a foul because he was playing aggressive defense, reaching in an trying to slap the ball out of another boy’s hand. That’s development.
We’ve been watching Downton Abbey. It’s a great show. I like it enough that I’m looking at having an elaborate bell system installed in our house. The only trouble is that, out of the entire first season and a few episodes of the second season, I’ve only seen about 45 minutes. The theme song is like Ambien to me, folks. I hear the music and I’m gone.
Speaking of TV, you know what we got back into this week? Some good ol’ fashioned CSI. After watching a few seasons of Dexter it was refreshing to watch something that had a nice twisty story but that didn’t leave you with that “This kinda freaks me out about humanity” feeling.
We took the baby (she’s two – why do I call her “the baby?”) to get a passport this week. We’re not going anywhere abroad, but if we ever want to go somewhere and have her with us, the kid needs a passport. Passport people are very serious. You know who’s not very serious? A two year old. Fortunately, what could have been very stuffy, bureaucratic and time-consuming ended up being very painless, thanks in large part to the nice passport man at the post office. I like to think the baby won him over with her charms.
That’s got to be it for today. I’ve got to go meet some friends and work on a thing we’re doing for some high school kids this summer. I hope you’ve had a good week.
What’s one thing you’ve got going on this weekend?
How do I keep my kids when mommy is away? A secret dad’s guide
This post has some insider information for the guys, so ladies – you may either want to click away – or – share this with the men in your life depending on your take on all this.
I want to help you with something that I think will transform your marriage.
A day is coming that will present a defining moment for you. When this moment arrives, I want you to not only recognize it, but make it your moment to shine.
If you have kids, the time is coming when your wife is going to say:
I’m going away for the weekend.
Now she may not say it exactly that way. She may spin it to sound like she has a church retreat or reunion or girls weekend or grandparent’s funeral to go to, but the underlying message is going to be the same.
I’m going away for the weekend. And you’re keeping the kids.
The reason this is a defining moment for you is because how you handle this will speak volumes to your wife. How you handle this may become the basis for many future discussions.
If you want to make this your moment to shine, when she tells you that she’s going away and that you’re keeping the kids, you say one thing and one thing only:
I think that’s great. You deserve a break.
And don’t you dare flinch when you say it. LIke bees and dogs, women can smell fear when it comes to their kids’ caregivers. (I don’t think that’s actually true, but it serves the purpose of this post, so I’m going with it.)
The confidence you show in that moment will be a gift to her while she’s gone. If you’re timid or half-hearted about keeping your own kids for a weekend, she’s going to be preoccupied while she’s away and won’t get to fully experience whatever it is she’s doing.
Once you’ve got your wife out the door, here’s how you survive the weekend when mommy’s away:
Relax. You can’t undo in two days what the two of you have worked together to accomplish as parents in the preceding years. You’re going to be fine.
Take charge. You’re not the babysitter. You’re the dad. You’re not 50% of the parenting equation, you’re 100% of the equation. Expect that your kids treat you like kids should treat a parent.
Keep routines. You’d think that throwing caution to the wind and being spontaneous and crazy would be the best recipe for a mom-free weekend. And it might be. My experience has been that with little ones, keeping up routines and rhythms (mealtimes, naps, snack times, etc.) is a great way to know where you stand. There’s value in having some milestones during the day for you – and the kids – to look forward to.
Have fun. I realize I just wrote about the value of keeping routines, but try to do some things you wouldn’t do on a typical weekend. If you normally play in your neighborhood, drive across town to the park with the new play structure. Stay up late and catch fireflies. Amp up the fun a little bit.
Accept help. Like it or not, people think dads are idiots. So when you’re alone with your kids you’re going to get all kinds of offers for help. Your wife’s friends are going to offer playdates. Your in-laws are going to offer to feed all of you. If you want, take the help.
Solo parenting isn’t easy. You’ll work your tail off for the whole weekend your wife is away. But when Monday rolls around and you head back to work, I guarantee you miss those kids in a way you never have before.
When your wife comes to you with the magic words that she wants to get away for a weekend, give her the gift of a worry-free break. And seize the opportunity to connect with your kids while you’ve still got ‘em under your roof.
Five ways to make 2012 a great year
Did you set New Year’s Resolutions for 2012?
Now that we’re a few weeks into the year, how is it going? Are you seeing some success? Or have you already tossed 2012′s resolutions on the big pile of broken ones from years past?
I took the underachiever’s route this year: I simply didn’t set any New Year’s resolutions.
After resolving to several very specific things for 2011 and coming up short across the board, I decided this year I’d just commit to one thing. I told myself I’d write more this year than I did last year.
Lucky you.
In that one dimension – writing – I believe I can put in the effort and measure the outcome of my effort so that I’ll know if I’ve had a better year than 2011.
If New Year’s Resolutions aren’t your thing, or if you’ve already broken your but you still want to make 2012 a great year, here are five things you might try in 2012:
Quit something. Most of us, in hopes of packing as much into life as possible, have massively overcommitted ourselves. Trust me when I tell you that the PTA, the church board, the United Way, the you name it, can function with out you. See what happens in other areas of your life when you take some of the pressure off of your schedule.
Be a better friend. As kids, our friends and our parents are our entire lives. Somewhere along the way, friendships get pushed down the list of priorities. If we’re not very intentional about friendships as adults, they can dry out over time. Expect better friendships in 2012, but expect better friendships by being a better friend. Make more calls, send more emails, extend more invitations. Ask your spouse for some backup to help you in your cause to enrich a few relationships. A year in which you feel more connected to the people you like the most is bound to be a great year.
Read more. What kind of stuff do you like to read? I like to read non-fiction, business-y books. I can’t remember finishing a single book this year that didn’t have highlights I wanted to apply at work or share with a friend. Mary Craig likes to read fiction. She’s always in a novel and is a great person to ask for a book recommendation. Nothing stimulates the brain like reading, and books connect you to people. One way to have a great year is by dialing up your reading.
Get a notebook. I can still remember the day I bought my first nice notebook. I got it in a bookstore on my lunch break. I’ve used it during my quiet time to make notes on what I’m reading in the Bible. I have another notebook like it to jot down ideas for this blog for 2012. I keep notebooks for two reasons. First, it’s a gift to Future Leighton. I look forward to opening these notebooks at some point in years from now and reflecting on this point in my life. Second, writing reflectively in a journal makes magic happen between the brain and the hand. No lie. Words will show up on the page that I can’t mentally account for – deep, thoughtful words. Capture what’s going on and learn about yourself by getting a good notebook and writing in it.
Give yourself away. Here’s something I know about you: you’ve got something amazing. You’re an amazing piano player, or baker, or surgeon, or accountant, or realtor. You have an amazing China collection, an insane home theater system, an unbelievable front porch swing. You’re amazingly helpful or analytical or funny or compassionate. Maybe you’re just a crusty ol’ jackwagon with a ton of money. Pour it out. Give it away. Show that stuff to the world and let it multiply in other people. Find out what happens in 2012 when you give yourself or your money or your knowledge away.
Do you think incremental improvement is the way to go or do you like traditional New Year’s Resolutions?
Deep relationships and different conversations
I work in a bank.
I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but banking is a pretty crowded field. You probably drive past five or six banks on the way to your bank.
Since the landscape is so competitive, we’ve got to be on the lookout for ways to stand out from the crowd. I’m convinced that one way to stand out is by having different conversations with our customers than other banks are willing to have with theirs.
For us, I think it means asking a customer, “What do you need this money to do for you?” when they start a relationship rather than simply taking their instruction. Knowing what the customer really needs their money to do for them (grow, stay safe, generate income) is the key to recommending the right solution. And recommending the right solution creates a better relationship than simply taking an order.
But it all hinges on having a different conversation.
Deep relationships are interwoven with different conversations.
One way you can tell a relationship has some legs is if someone is willing to go below the surface to engage you even when it’s uncomfortable for you and/or them.
My wife opened my eyes to this a few weeks ago.
She said that in the days after our miscarriage in 2008, her friends kept their distance for the most part. Not wanting to upset her or poke at the wound, they didn’t say much about the miscarriage.
One friend stepped out of her own comfort zone and asked her while they were riding somewhere in the car together: “So how are you doing with everything?”
My wife says it meant the world to her that someone asked. Especially when the answer was almost certain to be, “I’m not okay.”
Do you want to intentionally deepen a few key relationships in your life? Start having different conversations with those people.
Who’s one person in your life who is willing to have those types of conversations with you?
Three benefits of being more authentic
I’ve had several conversations with people lately about the idea of being more authentic.
I’m drawn to authenticity in other people. Even if I don’t necessarily see eye-to-eye with other people, as long as they own who they are, they get a lot of credit in my book.
I value authenticity and I’m drawn to it, but it’s something at which I have to work. It’s not natural for me. My tendency is to be a chameleon and be different people in different environments. But I’m working hard at it, and thanks to God’s sanctifying grace, I’m getting there.
In the context of relationships, here are three benefits of authenticity:
Being authentic sets realistic expectations. Here’s what happens if I’m not being the real me. Intentionally or not, I wind up communicating to you that I have skills, gifts, inclinations, attitudes, strengths, weaknesses, compassion, you name it, that I don’t actually possess. Somewhere along the way, the fact that I don’t truly have whatever the thing you thought I had is going to get exposed. Give it enough time and it’s just going to happen.
When that moment comes and you discover that reality isn’t what you thought it was, you’re going to be disappointed, because here’s the crash course on expectations:
- What I received was better than what I expected = Great!
- What I received was the same as what I expected = Okay
- What I received was not as good as what I expected = Boo!
Being authentic gives other people permission to follow. It takes a few degrees of vulnerability to move from where most of us live toward a more authentic day-to-day life. But when you start being more authentic – showing people more of who you really are – they’ll follow. They’re just waiting on someone to go first. No one wants to be first. Be a leader and go first.
Being authentic lets more work get done. I knew something was bugging MC the other night so I asked her what was wrong. She explained the issue and then said:
“That’s what’s bothering me and I have no clue why it bothers me so much.
I loved that statement. We were able to talk through the why, which wound up being more helpful than trying to analyze the original issue. We got more done because we both knew what was really going on.
Does authenticity come naturally for you?
Five things I know about being a husband: Listening
I wonder what Mary Craig’s response would be if you asked her:
“What kind of listener is Leighton?”
I’d rank myself a 7 out of 10. It’s not so much that I’m not a great listener as it is that I’m not a great retainer.
How good are you at listening?
I said, HOW GOOD ARE YOU AT LISTENING?!?!?!
One thing I know about being a husband is that there are benefits to having an active and disciplined ear. Here’s what I’ve learned:
I gain wisdom when I listen to my wife. Mary Craig and I view a lot of big life stuff similarly, but she consistently speaks works into our home about work, family, money, God – you name it – that help me see things I didn’t see.
I tell my wife I love her by listening to her. Here’s what I mean. You subtly (or maybe not-so-subtly) communicate your estimation of value to someone when you listen, don’t listen or half-listen to them. When I can drop all the distractions and engage with Mary Craig, I show her that she’s fully valued.
I can be a better dad by listening to her. Kids get really confused by inconsistency. If I’m not tuned in to what Mary Craig has already done during the day, we run the risk of being inconsistent when I’m around. Right now, when our kids are relatively young, inconsistency is just confusing to them. But as they get older, inconsistency will come back around and bite us as the kids learn to exploit it against us.
I get ideas for gifts by listening to her. I hate getting to a birthday, anniversary or Christmas and just hearing {…duuuhhhh…} when I try to think of something to get for Mary Craig. At some point, I figured out that I could look for clues about what she would like by simply listening to her. In everyday conversation, it’s common for us to talk about products we use that we like. Or things around the house that we’d like to replace. Or to daydream and look at stuff for the house online. I try to make mental notes of those things so that when it’s gift-buying time, I’m getting something she really wants.
I can lead my family better when I listen to her. Mary Craig’s entire day is about us. She really never gets away from us. I, on the other hand, am with the kids for about three hours a day. So while I’m called to lead our family, it would be absolutely pointless to try to lead our family without esteeming Mary Craig’s perspective as the person most heavily invested in our family life. She is in a better position to give insight about the pace of life, the needs of the family as a whole, and the needs of the individuals. I am a better leader – meaning I am better able to serve – when I give my wife my ear.
What did I miss? What other benefits – philosophical or practical – build up when there’s good listening happening in a relationship?
Notes from the infirmary, post-Christmas edition
It’s the day after the day after Christmas, and I’m using my last vacation day to hang out at home with Mary Craig and the kids.
With this nasty sinus infection junk MC and I have been fighting, this break has been a bit of a blur, but it certainly hasn’t been a waste. Here are some notes from the last few days:
We had a date night on Thursday. We planned to go get sushi and see a movie, but our regular sushi place was slammed (on a Thursday?) so we tried a newish place called Jade’s Market. Great food and we had the place to ourselves. After dinner we went and saw Young Adult.
I took Friday off from work, but I met some friends for breakfast at Waffle House. In nearly two decades of loyal Waffle House patronage, until Friday I’d never actually eaten a waffle at Waffle House. You folks should check out the Pecan Waffle as sort of a post-breakfast dessert.
MC mentioned that she had a few last-minute items she needed to pick up on Friday, so the kids and I played and she wandered off in her Odyssey to shop. Almost before I knew it, she was back. She went where she needed to go and got exactly what she needed. Even at the peak of Christmas crazy, the woman can’t be stopped. Amazing.
We might be coughing. We might be sniffling. But we sure as heck aren’t starving. Through the haze of augmentin and OTC cold meds, MC has kept us in homemade soups and lasagna. And last night with my parents, my dad cooked up his signature spicy garlic butter shrimp pasta for our (delayed) Christmas Eve dinner.
My parents got me and my brother our own red Swingline staplers. I love this gift.
I got some other cool stuff too. I’ll be brewing Project 7 for the next year. And I get to run wild and free on iTunes for a while. Ooh, and we’re an Apple TV family now too.
The boy emerged from his room at 6:30 yesterday morning and proclaimed: “No clothes at all for me today.” That doesn’t sound great the first time you hear it, but what he meant was that he wanted it to be a pajama day. And until it was time to head to dinner, he got his wish.
Daughter received a massive stack of fairy books and is toting around notebooks, recording facts and observations about fairies from the books she’s reading. She keeps saying: “I don’t know why, but I just like having lots of notebooks to write in.” It’s called DNA, friend. You get that from your daddy. There’s nothing like a fresh notebook or empty page.
I made an emergency trip to the grocery store for milk, bread, cat food and flour tortillas yesterday. I took the baby with me. I’m so in love with her.
Okay, that’s it for now. How has your Christmas been?
Mixed up Christmas
Last year’s Christmas was punctuated by a late-night Christmas Eve trip to the ER to have the boy’s head stitched up.
This year’s Christmas Eve started with me and Mary Craig at the walk-in clinic with matching sinus infections.
It hasn’t been the Christmas you would script out if you were planning the perfect Christmas.
In fact, for the past week or so, germs and illness have goofed up a lot of our family plans, as all of the kids and my parents have succumbed to illness. We’ve missed parties, church, and our traditional Christmas Eve meal together.
But we’ve still been trying to make some magic for the kids. After our run for our prescriptions on Saturday, we made a lap through Krispy Kreme for some Christmas Eve doughnuts with the kids. Later in the day, we made reindeer food and scattered it in the yard and Rudolph and his buds. And after a hearty chicken soup dinner, we bundled up on Christmas Eve and took a walk around the neighborhood to look at Christmas lights. After the kids were in bed and everything was in place, we put in Love Actually and watched until we fell asleep. Christmas classic.
On Christmas morning, we discovered Santa visited and the kids had a big time opening their gifts. Son revealed to us that he woke up at 4:42 a.m., but waited patiently until 6 a.m. to come downstairs to check on the grownups. By 9 a.m., all the gifts were open, everyone was fed, and it was time to play with some new toys. For the boy, the highlight of the day was a new Nintendo DS game system. And a foam sword. Daughter’s big gift was a sewing machine. And the baby got a big girl chair from Pottery Barn Kids and an American Girl Bitty Baby doll.
In a fantastic act of mercy, the kids were quiet entranced enough with their toys after lunch that MC and I were able to grab an hour’s nap. We dozed off watching the A Christmas Story marathon.
After rest time, we loaded up and headed to MC’s mom’s house for our first public outing of the Christmas weekend. We shared gifts with Nana and opened her gifts for us and then put a dent in a big ol’ lasagna MC made for the occasion.
By the time we got home from Nana’s house last night, the kids were fried. And so were we. So after the kids were in bed, MC and I made some tea, watched an episode of Portlandia, and then hit the hay.
Today, we’ll finally get to do Christmas with my parents. They’ve been through the ringer with some germy weirdness similar to what we’ve had, so now that they’re on the mend we can get together and do family stuff.
This Christmas isn’t at all what I would have planned. But it has been a great one.
Every year they just keep getting better.
Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving was a treat.
Here’s our day in pictures – in reverse order, because that’s how my phone loaded them onto WordPress. You can just pretend I’m super-creative and I’m blogging Thanksgiving in reverse like that episode of Seinfeld.
MC and I crashed on the couch after the kids were in bed and discovered The Godfather on AMC. We fought with all our might to stay awake, but waved the white flag and called it a night at 9:30.
After the kitchen was clean, Nana went home and everyone laid around for a while. I played some Wii with the baby. The big kids did crafts in the kitchen. Then we played a big family game of Cranium. Boys against girls. Here’s a shot of the boys team:
Of course, before all that, we sat down as a family to share in a big Thanksgiving feast. Here’s a look at the meal. Clockwise from the top you’ve got roasted broccoli, mashed potatoes, oyster casserole, chestnut dressing, a roll, turkey and cranberry sauce.
Yum.
This was only MC’s second year doing a whole turkey. The bird turned out great, mainly because it brined overnight and then she stuffed it full of apples and onions, sage and rosemary, then massaged the thing with canola oil.
By the time we started cooking, we’d already had a pretty busy day. We were up and out the door by 7:45 to report to the starting line for the annual Turkey Trot. We joined 4,000 of our closest friends for a 3 mile stroll through Johnson City.
The great thing about a town this size is that at an event like that, you can’t help but bump into a bunch of people you know, so we got to say hi to lots of folks as we made our way toward the finish line. At the end, the kids got a medal for finishing, so they were pretty excited.
We treated ourselves to a post-Turkey Trot trip through the Starbucks drive-through on our way home to cook. Here’s a pic of the fam before the Turkey Trot:
I hope you had a great Thanksgiving. Any good stories to share?
