Category Archives: Relationships

How do I keep my kids when mommy is away? A secret dad’s guide

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This post has some insider information for the guys, so ladies – you may either want to click away – or – share this with the men in your life depending on your take on all this.

I want to help you with something that I think will transform your marriage.

A day is coming that will present a defining moment for you. When this moment arrives, I want you to not only recognize it, but make it your moment to shine.

If you have kids, the time is coming when your wife is going to say:

I’m going away for the weekend.

Now she may not say it exactly that way. She may spin it to sound like she has a church retreat or reunion or girls weekend or grandparent’s funeral to go to, but the underlying message is going to be the same.

I’m going away for the weekend. And you’re keeping the kids.

The reason this is a defining moment for you is because how you handle this will speak volumes to your wife. How you handle this may become the basis for many future discussions.

If you want to make this your moment to shine, when she tells you that she’s going away and that you’re keeping the kids, you say one thing and one thing only:

I think that’s great. You deserve a break.

And don’t you dare flinch when you say it. LIke bees and dogs, women can smell fear when it comes to their kids’ caregivers. (I don’t think that’s actually true, but it serves the purpose of this post, so I’m going with it.)

The confidence you show in that moment will be a gift to her while she’s gone. If you’re timid or half-hearted about keeping your own kids for a weekend, she’s going to be preoccupied while she’s away and won’t get to fully experience whatever it is she’s doing.

Once you’ve got your wife out the door, here’s how you survive the weekend when mommy’s away:

Relax. You can’t undo in two days what the two of you have worked together to accomplish as parents in the preceding years. You’re going to be fine.

Take charge. You’re not the babysitter. You’re the dad. You’re not 50% of the parenting equation, you’re 100% of the equation. Expect that your kids treat you like kids should treat a parent.

Keep routines. You’d think that throwing caution to the wind and being spontaneous and crazy would be the best recipe for a mom-free weekend. And it might be. My experience has been that with little ones, keeping up routines and rhythms (mealtimes, naps, snack times, etc.) is a great way to know where you stand. There’s value in having some milestones during the day for you – and the kids – to look forward to.

Have fun. I realize I just wrote about the value of keeping routines, but try to do some things you wouldn’t do on a typical weekend. If you normally play in your neighborhood, drive across town to the park with the new play structure. Stay up late and catch fireflies. Amp up the fun a little bit.

Accept help. Like it or not, people think dads are idiots. So when you’re alone with your kids you’re going to get all kinds of offers for help. Your wife’s friends are going to offer playdates. Your in-laws are going to offer to feed all of you. If you want, take the help.

Solo parenting isn’t easy. You’ll work your tail off for the whole weekend your wife is away. But when Monday rolls around and you head back to work, I guarantee you miss those kids in a way you never have before.

When your wife comes to you with the magic words that she wants to get away for a weekend, give her the gift of a worry-free break. And seize the opportunity to connect with your kids while you’ve still got ‘em under your roof.

Five ways to make 2012 a great year

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Did you set New Year’s Resolutions for 2012?

Now that we’re a few weeks into the year, how is it going? Are you seeing some success? Or have you already tossed 2012′s resolutions on the big pile of broken ones from years past?

I took the underachiever’s route this year: I simply didn’t set any New Year’s resolutions.

After resolving to several very specific things for 2011 and coming up short across the board, I decided this year I’d just commit to one thing. I told myself I’d write more this year than I did last year.

Lucky you.

In that one dimension – writing – I believe I can put in the effort and measure the outcome of my effort so that I’ll know if I’ve had a better year than 2011.

If New Year’s Resolutions aren’t your thing, or if you’ve already broken your but you still want to make 2012 a great year, here are five things you might try in 2012:

Quit something. Most of us, in hopes of packing as much into life as possible, have massively overcommitted ourselves. Trust me when I tell you that the PTA, the church board, the United Way, the you name it, can function with out you. See what happens in other areas of your life when you take some of the pressure off of your schedule.

Be a better friend. As kids, our friends and our parents are our entire lives. Somewhere along the way, friendships get pushed down the list of priorities. If we’re not very intentional about friendships as adults, they can dry out over time. Expect better friendships in 2012, but expect better friendships by being a better friend. Make more calls, send more emails, extend more invitations. Ask your spouse for some backup to help you in your cause to enrich a few relationships. A year in which you feel more connected to the people you like the most is bound to be a great year.

Read more. What kind of stuff do you like to read? I like to read non-fiction, business-y books. I can’t remember finishing a single book this year that didn’t have highlights I wanted to apply at work or share with a friend. Mary Craig likes to read fiction. She’s always in a novel and is a great person to ask for a book recommendation. Nothing stimulates the brain like reading, and books connect you to people. One way to have a great year is by dialing up your reading.

Get a notebook. I can still remember the day I bought my first nice notebook. I got it in a bookstore on my lunch break. I’ve used it during my quiet time to make notes on what I’m reading in the Bible. I have another notebook like it to jot down ideas for this blog for 2012. I keep notebooks for two reasons. First, it’s a gift to Future Leighton. I look forward to opening these notebooks at some point in years from now and reflecting on this point in my life. Second, writing reflectively in a journal makes magic happen between the brain and the hand. No lie. Words will show up on the page that I can’t mentally account for – deep, thoughtful words. Capture what’s going on and learn about yourself by getting a good notebook and writing in it.

Give yourself away. Here’s something I know about you: you’ve got something amazing. You’re an amazing piano player, or baker, or surgeon, or accountant, or realtor. You have an amazing China collection, an insane home theater system, an unbelievable front porch swing. You’re amazingly helpful or analytical or funny or compassionate. Maybe you’re just a crusty ol’ jackwagon with a ton of money. Pour it out. Give it away. Show that stuff to the world and let it multiply in other people. Find out what happens in 2012 when you give yourself or your money or your knowledge away.

Do you think incremental improvement is the way to go or do you like traditional New Year’s Resolutions?

Deep relationships and different conversations

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I work in a bank.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but banking is a pretty crowded field. You probably drive past five or six banks on the way to your bank.

Since the landscape is so competitive, we’ve got to be on the lookout for ways to stand out from the crowd. I’m convinced that one way to stand out is by having different conversations with our customers than other banks are willing to have with theirs.

For us, I think it means asking a customer, “What do you need this money to do for you?” when they start a relationship rather than simply taking their instruction. Knowing what the customer really needs their money to do for them (grow, stay safe, generate income) is the key to recommending the right solution. And recommending the right solution creates a better relationship than simply taking an order.

But it all hinges on having a different conversation.

Deep relationships are interwoven with different conversations.

One way you can tell a relationship has some legs is if someone is willing to go below the surface to engage you even when it’s uncomfortable for you and/or them.

My wife opened my eyes to this a few weeks ago.

She said that in the days after our miscarriage in 2008, her friends kept their distance for the most part. Not wanting to upset her or poke at the wound, they didn’t say much about the miscarriage.

One friend stepped out of her own comfort zone and asked her while they were riding somewhere in the car together: “So how are you doing with everything?”

My wife says it meant the world to her that someone asked. Especially when the answer was almost certain to be, “I’m not okay.”

Do you want to intentionally deepen a few key relationships in your life? Start having different conversations with those people.

Who’s one person in your life who is willing to have those types of conversations with you?

Rich experiences create new realities

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A handful of couples from our small college had this tradition of getting together every Memorial Day weekend.

The last time we got together, before everyone went home, we found this great field by a lake with a mountain for a backdrop. We took a picnic lunch and threw the frisbee and talked.

We looked like what you always see people doing in Ralph Lauren ads. Lounging in the grass. Tossing a football with friends in really clean clothes. Picnicking.

Even though we have a few pictures from that day, the memory is etched in my mind because I count it as a rich experience.

One of the reasons we’ve made rich experiences one of the three key things we will pursue as a family is that rich experiences create new realities.

Here’s what I mean:

Rich experiences can give new meaning to a person, place or thing

The lakeside field framed by the mountain where we had our picnic? We’d driven by it most of the weekend. It wasn’t until the last day that someone suggested we take a picnic lunch and a few games down there.

I have the chance to drive past that field once a year or so, and when I do I’m instantly back there with my friends on that Memorial Day. It’s sacred ground now.

Rich experiences create space in relationships

If I learned anything from that day out in the field, it’s that thirtysomething me doesn’t have the same stamina as college me when it comes to chasing down a frisbee. I think the same was true for most of us, except for the ones who didn’t have kids. For some reason they seemed to have a little more spring in their step.

So we rested a lot and we talked a lot. And when we talked a lot we did it knowing that we were in the final moments of our time together. So maybe we were a little more real, a little more genuine, a little less polished, gave a little more of ourselves up in what we said.

It’s a good feeling when you have the space to go deeper in a relationship with someone because you either have plenty of time, time is running out, or because you’ve shared something amazing together.

As you live the intentional family life, use rich experiences to change the rhythm and interrupt the momentum of your family from time to time. When you do, you may find that someplace or something has new meaning to your family and that you have new space in your relationships to move deeper.

What’s one place you’ll remember forever because of an experience you had there?

Deep relationships embrace personalities

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When I was in high school, I had a friend who loved to be the center of attention.

He drove a big red 1970 Ford F100 pickup truck when everyone else drove Hondas, Jeeps and BMWs. He had the lead role in all the school plays. He wasn’t afraid to do what needed to be done to get a laugh, or more importantly in high school, a date.

There were times that my friend’s boisterous nature rubbed me the wrong way, mainly because when someone close to you wants to be the center of attention, sometimes you get dragged into it too.

Let it Be

At some point, I figured out I couldn’t change anything about my friend. The guy was just being himself.

What I know now is this:

You can transform a relationship simply by embracing the personality of the other person.

When you embrace the personality of the other person:

  • you stop expecting them to be an extension of yourself
  • you are better equipped to relate
  • you can more readily deal with him/her as a whole, rather than parts you like/don’t like

As we move toward deep relationships, I think we’ve got to value the people we’re going deep with by embracing their personalities.

Have you seen this principle at work in your own friendships / family / office relationships? What would you add to what I’ve said?

Five things I know about being a husband: Listening

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I wonder what Mary Craig’s response would be if you asked her:

“What kind of listener is Leighton?”

I’d rank myself a 7 out of 10. It’s not so much that I’m not a great listener as it is that I’m not a great retainer.

How good are you at listening?

I said, HOW GOOD ARE YOU AT LISTENING?!?!?!

One thing I know about being a husband is that there are benefits to having an active and disciplined ear. Here’s what I’ve learned:

I gain wisdom when I listen to my wife. Mary Craig and I view a lot of big life stuff similarly, but she consistently speaks works into our home about work, family, money, God – you name it – that help me see things I didn’t see.

I tell my wife I love her by listening to her. Here’s what I mean. You subtly (or maybe not-so-subtly) communicate your estimation of value to someone when you listen, don’t listen or half-listen to them. When I can drop all the distractions and engage with Mary Craig, I show her that she’s fully valued.

I can be a better dad by listening to her. Kids get really confused by inconsistency. If I’m not tuned in to what Mary Craig has already done during the day, we run the risk of being inconsistent when I’m around. Right now, when our kids are relatively young, inconsistency is just confusing to them. But as they get older, inconsistency will come back around and bite us as the kids learn to exploit it against us.

I get ideas for gifts by listening to her. I hate getting to a birthday, anniversary or Christmas and just hearing {…duuuhhhh…} when I try to think of something to get for Mary Craig. At some point, I figured out that I could look for clues about what she would like by simply listening to her. In everyday conversation, it’s common for us to talk about products we use that we like. Or things around the house that we’d like to replace. Or to daydream and look at stuff for the house online. I try to make mental notes of those things so that when it’s gift-buying time, I’m getting something she really wants.

I can lead my family better when I listen to her. Mary Craig’s entire day is about us. She really never gets away from us. I, on the other hand, am with the kids for about three hours a day. So while I’m called to lead our family, it would be absolutely pointless to try to lead our family without esteeming Mary Craig’s perspective as the person most heavily invested in our family life. She is in a better position to give insight about the pace of life, the needs of the family as a whole, and the needs of the individuals. I am a better leader – meaning I am better able to serve – when I give my wife my ear.

What did I miss? What other benefits – philosophical or practical – build up when there’s good listening happening in a relationship?